7 hours till HE191 - my very first paper to add yet another mark to the blistering start of my university life.
However, there are some things which are more important than academia. Or rather, there is someone who is more important than academia at this juncture. You probably are (at this current moment) the only cognitive thought in my mind right now. I promised myself I'd go back to my books and forget about this for the time being. Apparently, I lied, to myself. It hurt even more last night, hit with a greater tinge of disappointment and a unknowing sense of reject once again. They say that feelings are irrational, you can't control or explain why they make you behave like that. I really thought it'd work. But when you did question our friendship, damn it, I just felt stabbed once again. I found more holes in my cheese that I thought there'd be. If it were so empty, just why did I even c...No. Why I came back curtailed 2 simple reasons. 1. I'm your best friend, and I'm not leaving you in the lurch. 2. I hoped you'd change your mind. I wasn't planning to revolutionize the changes myself, but I hoped you'd change it on your own accord. Sometimes life can be so cruel. It picks you up one moment, and it drops you straight back down the next. What's this?! A tear. ------ |
|
Last night, I slept with a smile on my face, and an emptiness in my heart.
Sometimes life can be so confusing, and painful. The crossroad that I was thrown at and forced to make a decision, left me with 2 possible outcomes - and each side of the decision I was to make would end up hurting someone. I hurt you, because I wanted to walk away from you. To get away from the emotional pain, and to distance myself from you. I wanted some time alone. Never did I imagine how much trauma and distress it heaped onto you. Only did I realize some time after, that your misery was compounded back onto me, making me feel even worse. I promised I'll protect you, and protect you I will. While I did wake up this morning, and the ceuntry-old question re-popped up in my mind. The nudging question of "eh, what now?". I guess I'll find the answer myself. However in the meantime, seeing you shed those tears of relief, joy and gratitude, made me realize how much one could still care for another from a distance. Indeed, as similar to the previous scenario, your emotions compounded back onto me. I went to bed with a smile, albeit an emptiness in my heart. However, that story, is only beginning. What happens next, I honestly don't know. However, this time unlike you, the only way I'm going to write a story proper in my lifebook, is to go out and try. :) ------ |
|
For the girl whom I swore to protect, I'll keep the promise this time around.
------ |
|
What's this feeling coming over me?
As I drove home last night, my windscreen was blurred. Strangely enough, either the wipers weren't doing their job or the obscurity surmounting my view was caused by something else. It was only when a warm speck of my uncontrollable emotion made its way down my cheek did I realize I was hurt. Our last phone conversation had me grappling with the fact that when it ended, everything else would too. I lost an Old Friend last night. No, I lost more than that. I lost someone whom I attached so much of my own values, emotions and part of my mental stability onto. All because of my stupid mistake. My entire dream last night was clouded with your presence. Even Mr. Dream Maker wouldn't give me the slightest bit of reprieve. "I make mistakes; I'm just a man", but this is no mistake worth forgiving. I will miss your smile, your candidness and your spontaneity. I will miss our breakfasts, our runs together, our confiding sessions and every smallbigmedium time we had together. I don't know if this is goodbye, but just what on earth have I done? I swore to protect you, only to end up hurting you and making you cry again. ------ |
|
For the girl I swore to protect, I ended up hurting you instead.
I will never forgive myself. ------ |
|
Listening to Steve Jablonsky's Transformers II: ROTF soundtrack sparked off vivid images from the actual Transformers II movie in my head.
Awesome. Simply awesome. ------ |
|
WISHLIST that will probably (never) be fulfilled
1. DSLR  2. Saxophone + Saxophone lessons  3. 4.5 for my GPA  4. A new desktop (not a Mac)5. My very own car (preferably a BMW 750Li)  6. My very own yacht  7. Pilgrimage to Old Trafford plus match tickets  8. A Gundam (Preferably Gundam 00 Raiser, but I'm fine with Strike Freedom, or heck, Heavy Arms)  9. To take over the world! 10. A girlfriend ------ |
|
One year ago I was in Australia, resting on my Safari Bed (see picture below), hurling curses at the scorching heat wave that encapsulated the entire desert that I called home for 20-odd days, and feeling wave after wave of homesickness gush upon me.
 One year on, I'm still fighting battles. While these battles no longer reside on mountain tops or dense jungles, wars between time and emotions are being waged. ------ |
|
As I woke up this morning, I found life laughing in my face yet again.
The difference between any other person and me is that I will still get up, take its mockery on my chin and go for class looking unscathed. No matter how hard life slaps me, no matter how many times I get kicked around and no matter how many times I taste its bitter essence, I know I will never beat myself down. 4 more weeks. ------ |
|